


Kyle's Boomin' Genie

by KPesh123



Series: Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [22]
Category: Original Work, South Park
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Genie/Djinn, Alternate Universe - Magic, Bad Writing, Battle, Beer, Best Friends, Binge Drinking, Car Sex, Childhood Friends, Comedy, Dark Comedy, Drinking, Drugs, Excessive Drinking, Face-Fucking, Friendship, Fucking, Gay Sex, Good Writing, Guns, Heavy Drinking, House Party, Late Night Writing, Magic, Marijuana, Oral Sex, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Other, Party, Partying, Porn, References to Drugs, Rough Oral Sex, Sex, Shooting Guns, Smoking, Tragedy/Comedy, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Vodka, War, Whiskey & Scotch, Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26806792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KPesh123/pseuds/KPesh123
Summary: Kyle and The Boys stumble across an old Genie's lamp.  Once ignited, a Genie appears and grants them three wishes.  The Boys get more than they bargain for.
Series: Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867981





	Kyle's Boomin' Genie

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I've been inactive of late. I haven't had much time to write with classes and all. Please read the other stories from Kyle's Boomin' Adventures.

Kyle’s Boomin’ Genie

Kyle and the boys had not been on as much adventures of late since school started up again. Every weekend they would meet at the local park and play football, getting fucked up later on. It was already October and the weather was starting to get cool. One day after playing football at Dorbrook Park, the boys went back to Malcolm’s house and had a bonfire in his backyard. While sitting by the fire drinking beers, they decided to tell funny stories, even reminiscing about old times they had over the past few years. After talking about all the various adventures the boys had over the summer, it was Malcolm’s turn to talk. 

“I made Jack my bitch.” Malcolm said with a smile on his face.

“What the fuck do you mean you made him your bitch?” Jay asked.

“Dude that fucker is gay!!” Malcolm yelled. “I made him suck my dick!!”

“Woah! What the fuck?!” Jon asked. 

“Yep, that fucker only gave me one bowl hit so I made him suck my dick!” Malcolm responded. 

“That makes you gay Malcolm!” Chris shouted. 

“No it doesn’t, I’m going off of South Park logic.” Malcolm stated.

“South Park logic what the fuck?!” Jon screeched. 

“In one episode Cartman makes Butters suck his dick in order to make him his bitch.” Malcolm explained. 

“Malcolm you retard.” Mark responded.

“You know that completely backfired on him when Stan and Kyle told him that it was gay right?” Kyle asked.

“Oh it did?” Malcolm asked.

“Yea.” Gianni responded.

“Fuck!” Malcolm shouted.

“What was your end game here Malcolm?” Jay asked.

“To make him my bitch and blackmail him.” Malcolm stated.

“How in the fuck would that be blackmail?” Nick asked.

“If he ever tries to mooch off of me for food or money I’ll use this against him.” Malcolm said.

“Malcolm you fucking moron, he can easily use this against you.” Kyle stated.

“Oh.” Malcolm said.

“Wait so are you bi-sexual now?” Jay asked. 

“Nope, it’s not gay if a guy sucks your dick.” Malcolm claimed.

“What the fuck is this prison logic now?” Chris asked.

“No wonder you were flashing your cock at Jack during the zombie apocalypse.” Kyle stated. 

The boys went back to looking at the fire. Trying to comprehend the news that was just given to them by Malcolm, they sat and stared at the fire, thinking about their lives. Malcolm started to speak again.

“I had Lia’s boyfriend suck my dick also.” Malcolm blurted out of nowhere.

“What?!” Nick yelled.

“What in the flipping fuck Malcolm you might actually be fucking gay!” Jon shouted.

Malcolm was in a relationship with a girl named Lia. Since Malcolm had a lack of brain cells he was into an open relationship idea, having two girlfriends and now two male fuck buddies. Lia being in a relationship with Malcolm, also had one with a bi-sexual black man. 

“You know what, I called this.” Mark commented.

“Same here.” Kyle said.

“Yo secret bi-sexual chad Malcolm?” Gianni asked. 

“Alright I’m going to bed so I can handle this tomorrow when shit makes more sense.” Jon said. 

A week went by and there was no word from Malcolm. The boys went on with their daily schedules working and doing online classes. Jay asked the boys to help clean out his basement in order to make it a hangout and workspace for Always Boomin’. Everyone agreed to come and the next saturday, the boys showed up, all except for Malcolm. 

“Where the fuck is Malcolm now?” Jay asked.

“Dude he’s been M.I.A. all week.” Nick stated.

“Kinda making me look better.” Mark said. 

Suddenly footsteps were heard coming down the basement stairs. The boys turned their heads and looked in horror at what they thought was a hideous monster. All jaws were wide open, a solid minute of deadly silence passed.

“MALCOLM WHAT THE FUCK?!” Jon screamed.

“What? I wanted to see what boobs felt like.” Malcolm said.

“SO YOU GOT A FUCKING SEX CHANGE OPERATION?!” Mark yelled.

Malcolm being the horny monster that he is, wanted a pair of breasts and a vagina he could touch without having to ask for consent. Apparently two girlfriends wasn’t enough so Malcolm decided to get a sex change surgery in order to accomplish this goal. 

“My name is Malcina now.” Malcolm stated.

“You fucking moron you could’ve hired a hooker for this.” Jay said.

“Oh yea.” Malcolm responded.

“How does it feel?” Gianni asked.

“Not as good as you think.” Malcolm stated. “The feeling of boobs gets old after a while and there is a piercing pain in my vagina. It’s fucking bleeding for some reason.” 

“Malcolm, you're on your period.” Kyle said.

“God dammit your period blood is getting all over my floor!” Jay yelled. 

Out of nowhere a loud fart noise came from Malcolm. The room was gas chambered with a foul stench, the boys put their shirts over their noses and looked at Malcolm. 

“Did you fart Malcolm?” Nick asked. 

“Um no Nick. I just queefed.” Malcolm stated.

“God damnit Malcolm!” Jon yelled.

“Why are you more repulsive as a woman than a man?!” Mark asked. 

“Guys, can we just please start cleaning this place out?” Malcolm asked.

The boys started cleaning the basement out. After a few hours of manual labor, lifting heavy objects and bringing them out to the road, Gianni came across an unusual object. 

“Hey look, it’s a weird lamp thing.” Gianni said holding the object up.

“Yo rub it and see if a genie comes out.” Kyle said.

Gianni rubbed the lamp and a black genie appeared before the boys. Looking like a character out of Aladdin, only black, he flew around and greeted the boys.

“Dayum you have no fuckin idea how long I’ve been trapped in there, sweet Jesus!” The Genie said. 

“Hello there.” Gianni said.

“Aight since you guys freed me of that toxic fucking lamp, y’all get three wishes, only three though.” The Genie offered.

“I wish for unlimited wishes.” Jay stated.

“No you fucking moron, that doesn’t work.” The Genie replied.

“Fuck.” Jay mumbled.

“I wish to change back into a man!” Malcolm yelled quickly.

“God damnit Malcolm!” Jon yelled.

“Granted.” The Genie said, snapping his fingers.

Malcolm poofed from a hideous woman back into his old self. What was once a scary lady monster with cheap hair extensions, overdone makeup, and uneven tits, was back to being an annoying, wide foreheaded spazz who raged at almost everyone. 

“You got two wishes left.” The Genie said.

“Guys, I got this.” Jay said. “Mr. Genie man, I wish for a million bucks.” 

“Granted.” The Genie said, snapping his fingers, nothing happening.

“Well? Where is it?” Jay asked.

“Look outside.”

Jay walked up his basement stairs and went outside his house to find a big disappointment. Instead of one million dollars cash, there were one million male deer roaming Jay’s yard, eating all of his plants and shitting almost everywhere. 

“What the fuck Genie?!” Jay yelled. “I asked for one million dollars, not one million fucking deer!!!” 

“I take this shit literally, you gotta be specific with me.” The Genie stated. “You got one more wish.” 

“Hold on let us discuss this.” Gianni said.

“By all means take your time.” The Genie said.

The Genie flew up into Jay’s kitchen and made himself a sandwich while the boys discussed what their final wish should be. Since the first two were wasted away in under a minute, the boys had to think very hard about what their final wish would be.

“Dude we should just cut our losses and wish for those deer to fuck off. No one can get the fuck out of here.” Jon said.

“I can wish to leave my school, or make the people there more lit.” Kyle offered.

“Or wish death upon The Boof Brigade.” Nick said.

“That too.” Kyle said. 

“No no, this wish needs to benefit all of us.” Gianni said.

“How about we ask for a finished basement.” Jay offered.

“Nope. I think I have it.” Malcolm stated. “Unlimited supply of weed and alcohol, stored in this finished basement.”

“That’s it.” Mark commented.

“Oh Genie, we’re ready!” Kyle yelled.

The Genie poofed back into the basement after eating Jay’s food. The boys stood waiting as The Genie finished his meal. 

“Alright, what will it be?” The Genie asked.

“We wish for an unlimited amount of weed and alcohol and a finished basement in here where we can store that.” Kyle stated.

“Very well.” The Genie said. The Genie said snapping his fingers.

Jay’s basement magically turned from a cluttered storage room into a completely redone basement with a pool table, a lounge area with a massive television, dart boards and a beer pong table fresh for the boys to paint. The best of all was a magical door which led to a room full of weed and alcohol. When it runs out the stock would magically reappear. With that the boys had a massive party, getting crossed beyond belief. 

A few weeks passed. Every week some of the boys would come over and help Jay paint the table. It was Friday and everyone had gotten done with their classes. The boys met up and started helping with the table. Malcolm already crushed two beers and was drunk beyond belief being a lightweight. Malcolm pulled out his phone and started taking pictures of the table and the stash of drugs inside the basement. Malcolm posted the video to Snapchat saying it was at Jay’s house, giving away their location. Not even a minute had passed and people were already starting to hit up Malcolm asking if they could come over. Malcolm, having no backbone, said yes to everyone without the permission of Jay and the other boys. In a matter of minutes Jay’s front yard was swarmed with people trying to get in, especially people the boys didn’t care for.

“Malcolm, god damnit.” Jay said. 

“What?” Malcolm responded cluelessly. 

“There is literally a hundred people out there, plus the fucking deer haven’t left either.” Nick said.

“Plus half of those people we don’t fuck with.” Mark commented.

“Fuck my bad I wanted a fucking party.” Malcolm responded.

“Wait how in the fuck did The Boof Brigade get here?!” Kyle asked, astonished, looking outside the window. 

“Oh yea I posted it on Instagram, I think a few of those fuckerrs follow me now so they came.” Malcolm explained. 

“Jesus now they’re trying to mooch off of you.” Kyle commented. “Speaking of, is Jack out there?”

“Yea he is.” Gianni said looking out the window.” 

“Alright we have to address this.” Jon said.

The boys walked out the front door to a sea of scumbag teenagers and deer from a few weeks prior. Once the boys came out there was a roar of applause, as these people were trying their best to get inside the house. Jay started talking.

“Okay, y’all gotta fuck off now.” Jay said.

“What?!” One person shouted from the crowd.

“We don’t fuck with any of you. Especially you guys.” Kyle said pointing to The Boof Brigade. 

“What? Why? We just want to hit da boof!” A boof member shouted.

“Exactly, the last thing we need is school pride and political correctness in the basement.” Kyle responded. 

“Well there is more of us and less of you, we can easily just storm your house and steal all your drugs.” One person shouted.

“Ight Jay, get the guns.” Mark ordered.

“Oh bet, it’s kill season.” Jay responded.

Jay ran and quickly got two loaded AK-47’s. On Mark’s command the two started firing into the crowd, killing many and dispersing the rest. Since many gang members and ghetto kids were in the crowd, they pulled out their handguns and started shooting back. It became an all out war scene, bullets flying while others suck refuge. The Boof Brigade ran and hid behind a tree, crying that guns were in their presence. With no hope, Kyle and Nick ran down into the basement and grabbed the genie lamp. Kyle rubbed it and The Genie reappeared again. 

“What the fuck do you guys want? You already got your wishes.” The Genie said annoyed. 

“We need one more wish.” Kyle said.

“What the fuck did you guys do?” The Genie asked.

“What do you think? Malcolm was a fucking idiot.” Nick said. 

“What if we got you something?” Kyle offered.

“Are you bribing me?” The Genie asked.

“That’s exactly what I’m doing.” Kyle responded.

“Okay. I want fried chicken and Kool-Aid.” The Genie demanded.

“Fine, we want these fuckers to leave the property and everyone’s minds to be warped of Malcolm’s post..” Nick responded.

“Very well, when you give me my stuff you get your wish.” The Genie stated.

Kyle and Nick ran out Jay’s back door and went for Kyle’s car. From there Kyle took his Jeep and creamed a good amount of the people trying to get into Jay’s house. Once out of the neighborhood, Kyle sped out of town to the nearest fried chicken place, which happened to be Popeyes in Eatontown. Kyle held the store at gunpoint while Nick stole all the chicken. Kyle and Nick then went to the local Acme in Parkersville. Kyle held the cashiers at gunpoint while Nick stole the Kool-Aid along with other unnecessary products. While leaving Kyle shot the twins he used to jam with in the arm just to be intimidating. Kyle and Nick made it back to Jay’s, sprinting and dodging bullets, they made it inside. Once they presented The Genie the food, he snapped his fingers and all was normal. No more dead bodies, bullet holes, deer, or damage. The Boys came back inside and proceeded to drink and smoke, painting their beer pong table. All was normal again. 

  
  


I hope you enjoyed my boomin’ Genie. Fuck you. 

  
  



End file.
